Friday 13 March 2009

EXIT CALM TICKETS

*****THIS GIG IS NOW SOLD OUT - THANKYOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT*****

Exit Calm are pleased to announce their first gig for several months. The gig, a warm up for their support tour with The Sunshine Underground will take place on Friday 1st of May 2009 at The Polish Social Centre, Barnsley.

There are 3 tickets options for the gig -
***OPTION 1 IS NOW SOLD OUT***Option 1 - The £3.27 ticket is your name on the door ticket and you get your hand stamped with permanent ink option.
***OPTION 2 IS NOW SOLD OUT***Option 2 - The Feel So Real option is for people that want that little bit more. For £4.00 you get a Willy Wonka Golden Ticket plus a few surprises posted to your door.
Option 3 - The Stand Outside And Look Through The Window option. For £0.50 you can stand outside, smoke cigarettes and look through the windows*.

When ordering tickets please state ticket option type, how many tickets you require and postal address if applicable.

The Polish Social Centre is a short walk from Barnsley town centre and can be located - here.

Thankyou

*For people choosing this option please be aware curtains may be closed for a short period during the gig.

Polish Social Centre
Blackburn Lane
Barnsley
South Yorkshire
S752BA
01226 288395

Thursday 12 February 2009



'THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE FUTURE'. Yeah, alreyt...Dionysos, son of Zeus and that...but what yer don't know is that this kids got a bag er spicy tomato snaps in his hand and he's got 'maggot brain' by Funkadelic on his Ipod...he's feeling pretty fuckin good.
So fuck the future...kill your TV...the time is now sweet brothers & sisters.
And, oh aye, Dionysos...stop fuckin scrawling yer shit on them bridges, yer no fuckin Banksy, yer no fuckin Shepard Fairey...yer not even fuckin Fista. You are NOTHING...thats what you are. You little fucker.

big/bad/wicked/sad

Train Driver in Eye Liner x

Count Dante In The House.



Wednesday 11 February 2009

She won't be long!!!!!!!!!!!!

The beads of sweat glisten on Xavier’s forehead, his steely glare fixes on the eyes of his opponents. For a moment, he drifts away to an earlier time. A time when his sport was played for fun, in the backstreets of his youth. He played for joy, for love. And for fun. And love. Back then he played for nothing. Back then…

Jean-Michel jumped into his gleaming red Maserati, flicked the ignition, and was gone.

Another date, another top model. Her name was Almanac Pesticide, the latest in a long line of North African models working for The Heller Agency.

He mustn’t be late. 8pm was the pick up, his agent the legendary Alain Scirocco arranged the date. What a coup, the world’s number one model and the highest paid racing driver in the world out together. The paparazzi will be out in force.

Jean-Michel takes the lift to her apartment, Floor 135, Studio B. He reaches the door and presses the buzzer, his iron like finger presses long and hard. The buzzer buzzes….buuuuuuzzzzzzz.

Suddenly, the solid oak door opens. The photos didn’t lie, she is as beautiful as he thought she would be, if a little shorter. And fatter.

She smiles, her teeth gleaming like a freshly polished milk bottle. He smiles back, his smile not as gleaming as hers, but gleaming abit. They look at one another and smile abit harder, more desperate. The awkward silence is broken by the sound of Roy Walker in the background. She’s got Sky+ on, a Catchphrase repeat.

‘I love Catchphrase me’, she says, in broken English.

‘Yeah, I do an’ all’ replies Jean-Michel. ‘It’s good innit’.

‘Yeah’ she replies.

‘Can I come in?’ he asks.

‘What?’ comes the reply.

‘Tch. I said ‘Can I come in?’’

‘Yes, come in’ replies Almanac.

Jean-Michel strides confidently into her apartment, his muscles rippling beneath his tight fitting chinos.

‘Can I use your toilet please?’ he asks as he grimaces and clutches his winkle. ‘I need a wee-wee”.

‘Sure, no problem’ replies Almanac. ‘It’s through the hall”. She then points to the hall.

Jean-Michel follows her fingers with his eyes.

‘Thanks’ he says. ‘I’m bursting. I think I need a plop as well, I’ve got diarush’.

‘Oh. Well open the window when you’ve done’ purrs Almanac exotically.

Jean-Michel strides confidently to the toilet, turns quickly. His long flowing blonde hair shines like a blonde car in the artificial light of her apartment. He runs his fingers through his hair.

‘I’ll not be long’. He says. He locks the door and turns quickly, effortlessly. His every movement like a cobra. With blurring speed he pulls down his trousers and pants and sits on the toilet. With one violent thrust he lets rip.

Meanwhile, Almanac Pesticide sits on her sofa. Her long African legs stretching out before her. She oozes confidence. 6 feet 7 inches of pure beauty. The desire of every man, beyond the grasp of all but one.

She reaches down to itch her leg. ‘Ouch’ she cries, as she knocks the head off a scab. ‘Fucking ‘ell’. A trickle of blood runs down her leg. Then a steady flow. Then loads. It’s pissing out. Then it stops.

Suddenly the toilet flushes. It’s Jean-Michel. He’s finished. The door opens. Like a vision he appears. A little bit red and flushed of face.

‘Thank Christ for that’ he says. ‘I nearly shit mesen’.

‘Have you flushed?’ purrs Almanac. ‘Am not ‘avin’ that int house’.

‘Of course baby’ replies Jean-Michel, ‘…of course’.

Almanac stands up. 6 feet plus of perfection. She moves effortlessly towards the door. ‘Shall we go?’ she asks. ‘I’m getting hungry’.

‘Of course baby, of course’ replies Jean-Michel. Then he looks at her funny. She doesn’t notice.

They stride confidently towards Jean-Michel’s car. In silence. She seems impressed. But a little worried. Is she too tall and leggy for the car? He presses the automatic door release. The door opens.

‘Jump in’ he says.

Ms Pesticide climbs into the car. Her worst fears are confirmed. She’s too tall for the supercar; her head is touching the roof, causing her to lean sideways.

‘Christ’ she purrs. ‘Stupid fucking car’.

‘You what?’ enquires Jean-Michel.

‘Nowt. I dint say owt!’, replies Almanac.

‘Tha did! It’s not car that’s stupid, it’s thee. You stupid lanky get!’.

‘Or fuck off you queer’ replies Almanac, seductively.

They look at one another and smile sarcastically. They head towards the restaurant in silence. Jean-Michel turns towards Almanac.

‘Almanac’ he says. ‘Have you got monk on?’.

‘Have I chuff!’ came the reply.

‘Or….reight’.

The restaurant is crowded. Jean-Michel and Almanac stride confidently through, past the star-struck diners. A hush settles on the room. The diners can hardly believe their eyes. The worlds most famous couple in the world, dining together...hmmmm.

 

Love is all around...

The people I've never met who know all about me

My personal data can, in an instant, be retrieved by thousands of people I've never met. But finding out what information they hold on me is considerably more difficult.

There are a few people, like Jamie, who can get me answers in seconds. A "Team 10" call centre worker at the DVLA's office, he is happy to tell me when I passed my test and, thankfully, that there is "no record of any points or endorsements at all" to my name. What he doesn't tell me is the times other firms have requested my details.

One such company is Streetcar.co.uk, a car rental service. A quick call and a woman called Lauren tells me she knows that I booked a VW van on 9.22am on December 30 and returned it at 4:30pm. I used £12.88 in fuel, Lauren says, before assuring me that - although she knows I didn't drive through the London congestion zone - she has no record of where I took the vehicle.

Someone, of course, does. A detailed itinerary of my journey - along with 10 million other drives that day - can be pieced together from all the occasions the van passed under the gaze of an automatic number plate reading (ANPR) camera, which stores the information in a data centre for up to five years. Police have been encouraged to "fully and strategically exploit" the database.

There are easier ways for the authorities to track me. State officials could request details of journeys through London recorded on Oyster cards from Transport for London, and then watch me walk under their CCTV cameras.

Easier still, they could ask Vodafone for the records it keeps of where on the planet my mobile phone has been.

Even my workplace can track my whereabouts from my security pass, which yesterday recorded that I entered the building at 10:12am and nipped to the toilets at 13:43pm.

My debit and credit cards also leave a valuable trail of my journeys. They reveal, for example, that I spent £9.24 in a Tesco in Islington, London, on Tuesday last week and, two days later, took money out of an ATM in New York.

During that trip Virgin Atlantic automatically handed the US government my PNR (passenger name and record) data, which includes my mobile phone number, email and food preferences.

To find out what records the UK government or any firm keeps on me, I'm told I need to submit a data protection request, and to wait at least 40 days. But I know state bureaucrats can find out my schooling, my outstanding student loan, my genealogy, previous addresses and all the times I visited an MP. The government wants to have a record of every email I send or phone call I make, just in case I am a terrorist, or know one.

There is information - such as my medical records - I'm glad the government keeps. For a £10 fee, my GP said he would put me in a spare room at the surgery and show me all the boxed paper files accumulated since the day I was born. In the future, under plans to computerise all patient records on a £12.7bn database, my medical history will be potentially accessible to thousands of NHS staff across the country.

But even my medical records are less personal than the piece of data I know the police have stored in a freezer somewhere. My genetic make-up has been police property since I was 17, when my loutish friends raised the suspicions of the local constabulary, who invited us all to spend a night in the cell. I was released, without charge, the following morning and seven years after that night the incident was deleted from my file.

But the DNA sample they forced me to give was not, placing me among the 7.39% of the UK's population on the National DNA Database, even if we did not commit a crime.

What I find more alarming than the data the state holds, loses, and increasingly wants to share, is the vast trove of personal information about me companies I have never heard of have stored.

Trawling through databases, I know companies like to tell me what I want to buy before I've even thought of it.

A nectar-card refusenik, I forgo loyalty cards to be certain that Tesco et al do not have a forensic record of my eating habits, mainly because it bugs me.

But when I use the internet it is virtually impossible to avoid leaving an imprint that will be thrown back at me, in the form of targeted links.

My gmail account - which has stored 2,532 emails, providing a chronological narrative of my adult life - tells me I need a "womb-like baby bed" or I need to "Learn How To Kiss A Girl In A Way That Makes Her Melt In Your Arms".

Data trawling adverts often get it wrong. But when social networking websites such as Facebook, which display unprecedented amounts of public information to the world, are involved, the data used to paint a picture of an account holder can be invaluable.

The same is true for any internet purchases. Hence iTunes knows my most embarrassing music predilections, while for some reason Amazon thinks I might want to buy The Conversation, a 1974 movie about surveillance.


Wednesday 30 July 2008

Steve Austin's Cock

By The Humble Gent

Brushes with celebrities can be disappointing affairs. That chance meeting with your hero/tissue fantasy can lead to such utter comedown. Why? Because, quite rightly, you expected so much, and that young lovers is why, if Liam cocks you a snook or Fern calls you a queer, it can be as painful and hard to bear as getting your face nailed to a table. Be it a footballer stubbing a cigar out in you eye, or a chef calling you a prick, it doesn’t matter. It’s still hard to take. However, if you handle it correctly, it can be the night of your life. 

I’ve met many celebs, tasted the high life and sipped the finest Cava with B listers, C listers and tongue grappled with the odd A lister. Her off ’Rita, Sue and Bob too’ even wanted to buy my trainers (Green Adidas SL76), I’ve told that blonde haired kid off ’Cutting It’ to fuck off. But the high point of my celeb mingling days, the zenith of my career, happened one hot and steamy night in a country far far away.

Sat in a sports arena with my elder brother, a dark and handsome man of some character, drinking ice cold beer (Budweiser) and making small talk with a couple of Cuban models, our ulterior motive one of nefarious intent i.e the sole intention making the encounter anything but brief, we  realised that if sexual intercourse was coming up next grapple fans, we needed to purchase a latex sheath (johnny). To share obviously. So off I pop in search of the nearest latrine. Imagine the scene if you will. An arena filled to capacity with blood thirsty wrestling fans, moustachioed and hairy with enough acrylic and hairspray to make the place a time bomb. One spark, one stray match and kaboom, it’s over. And more than enough blubber and overactive sweat glands than I could handle. So I had to tread carefully. Also, being challenged height wise was a severe disadvantage. The journey was perilous. But still, I search ceaselessly. Eye of the tiger, the thrill of the fight…Nuts nuts gerrum gerrum, nuts nuts gerrum gerrum…as the squirrels they do say.

Oh look, there goes Sylvester Stallone. Crikey, there’s James Caan. It meant nothing to me. I was here for one reason and one reason only. My mission: Toilets + Sheath + Cubans = Do the nasty. That was my job and I was here to do it. Distractions everywhere, it was a fucking carnival. Bizarre dwarfs, midget gimps, shaved monkeys on uni- cycles smirking tabs, three titted women lezzing off. Any other time this would be joy but today…not today, not tonight, not now. Brushing past the colossus mass of giant burgers, chilli dogs and council estate sized pepsi cartons I could see my Xanadu no more than 100 yards away.

Eye of the tiger.

I turn to look for my brother. Was it for his benefit or for more selfish reasons. Would he still be there or was his ‘you get the rubbers I’ll keep ‘em talking…’ just a cunning and elaborate ruse to get me, the only competition in the gladitorial arena, out of the way. The cheese eating bastard. 

It’s ok. I see him, he’s still there. He’s doing fine, reeeeeal fine. They’re hanging on his every word, he’s an artist, he’s Gilbert and George. God bless him. He looks up and we make eye contact. He smiles. I smile back. I feel like saluting. We are soldiers of fortune, The A-Team, we’ve discovered the new world. I turn and head towards my America, this America. Not long now my brother, not long now. 

There’s a queue. Shit and piss. It’s snaking out of the toilet. The waters are boiling, soon to overflow. Fuck fucking fuck. Keep focused. I have no choice. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I barge past the plebs. Holding my mouth as if to be sick people scatter like I’m spraying lead from an AK47. Bingo. Not be long now. I see the trough, it’s tractor beam's pulling me in. I squeeze in between two beige suited gunslingers and unzip the lad. I turn to acknowledge my pissing companions. Fucking hell fire…that’s Steve Austin. The Six Million Dollar Man. I freeze. It’s not often you find yourself having a wee-wee next to your hero. I look up at him with a ’I wish you were my dad…’ look in my eyes, he looks down at me with a ‘Hey kid, what the hell you looking at…’ look in his eyes. Again I freeze. Again eyes meet. He smiles. I smile back. And giggle abit. I lean forward. I snatch a glimpse of his cock. He’s uncomfortable now. I’ve made him uncomfortable. The toughest man on earth is freaked out. He blinked first. He forces his wee out. It’s like a freekin' horse. Christ Almighty. He shakes it. Violently. Like he’s trying to kill it or at least render it unconscious. A renegade splash of his wee-wee careers away from it’s target and like a heat-seeking missile scores a direct hit…boo-yah…right on the side of my rosy red cheek. The dirty bastard. He zips up and leaves. I feel elated yet deflated. Here I am not wanting to ever wash my cheek again yet I’ve got Steve Austin’s piss on my face. I leave it on. After a few minutes it starts to sting. So I wash it off. A single tear rolls down my pissy cheek.

I’ll never forget you Steve Austin, you’ll always be a part of me.

I was seven years of age.

Some of the above is made up. Some of it isn’t.


 

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